Divorce is a complicated process for adults and for their children. Although grief and bereavement are terms normally associated with the process of dealing with feelings related to death, children of divorce go through a process that mirrors the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Yet children in general are much less likely to understand what they feel or why, and generalized fears are common. Additionally, the losses felt by divorce are often compounded by moves, the loss of friends, changes in school, changes in extended family relationships, and changes in financial well-being. Is it any wonder counselors see these children in so much distress?
Adults pass through the stages of grief by using words to describe their pain and disappointment. Depending on age, children may need help in understanding new feeling states such as ‘insecure’, ‘abandoned’, ‘relieved’, ‘disappointed’, ‘jealous’, or ‘confused’. Since children often act out what they cannot understand or express, many children begin to act out, or act out worse than before.
Generalized fears are common in children of divorce. To children, parents provide a total sense of security. Divorce may make them feel the rug has been pulled from underneath them as they discover their world can change in new and unpredictable ways. Children also find security in their surroundings and with their things. Children of divorce may lose control of their favorite things, or be unable to cart them back and forth between homes as desired. With so many changes, some children regress in terms of their behavior and may become clingy, lose progress in toilet training, be unable to sleep alone, or begin to have nightmares.
As for the 5 stages of grief in children of divorce:
Denial in children may simply be a disbelief that divorce could happen to their parents. When fighting between parents is common, children may claim a sense of relief — “at least they won’t be fighting anymore”.
Bargaining for children may be demonstrated through fantasy beliefs that their parents will somehow get back together, and some children may try to facilitate reunions.
Depression comes from the loss of the parent-child relationship as it once was. Children cannot see the absent parent anytime they wish. They may grief life as it was, and miss horseplay, help with school work, watching television shows or sports, or bedtime rituals. Sadness can be great, and may interfere with school. When it is severe and lasts longer than 2 months, a child’s grief may be turning into clinical depression. Medication at this point may help reduce a child’s suffering.
Anger may be difficult for a child to admit or express. Not only are children taught anger is bad, but doubly so if it is against their parents. Some children actually fear that expressing their anger will damage their relationship with an absent parent. Anger is warranted though. After all it is not the child’s fault their parents could not get along. All they know is that their life suddenly became much more painful, hard, and confusing than it was before.
Acceptance comes after children learn they can survive changes in their relationships, with moves, and with transitions. It takes time and lots of reassurance.
A therapist can help you understand if your child could benefit from counseling. Therapy for grief often focuses on emotional expression and validation, through play therapy techniques aimed at helping the child communicate. When a counselor engages in therapy for bereavement following or during a divorce, the child acquires a safe, supportive environment apart from the conflict the family is experiencing. The compassionate staff at Meridian Behavioral Health can help you start the process of healing. Call our office or leave us an email, and a qualified therapist will get back to you as soon as possible. You can also fill out our contact form by clicking here, and find out how we can help.
